I Am Going To Live Forever.

I haven’t had the chance to update lately because of the fact that I have been using my Windows side of the computer to play computer games, yes I spent the majority of my 2 week holiday back in Singapore enjoying the exceptionally fast internet here and all the computer games that I have missed out (Well not all). Coming back to Singapore reminds me of one key fact that I have completely forgotten while in Perth. That this nation is too hot for its own good, I’m okay with hot but this just had to be hot and HUMID at the same time. Sigh. I am reminded of all the things that I hate about the place, from it being too crowded to the fact that the attitudes of the people here have to change. Infact halfway through, i actually want to go back to Perth. Its seriously too hot and crowded in this nation. Its a bitch to come back from the city especially from 6-9pm because everyone seems to be going home at that time and everything is crowded, from MRT stations to Taxi stands. Arrgh.

Coming back was pleasant, it was nice to meet everyone again, while it was just three months it felt like quite a long time has passed. Of course three months isn’t long enough for people to change but I can tell there are somethings that are different now. Two weeks is a short break but it was worth it to have a change of pace (I think you could say it was an acceleration because Perth is such a slow and sleepy town). Going for church and attending Saturday Service was pleasant, it was as if I didn’t leave at all which is always good. Then came church anniversary, that reminded me of other things actually. Oh well its both a pleasant and unpleasant thing. The unpleasant thing is that it was really just too hot and really quite unbearable, dear God how did I survive 22 years of this??? It was really fun to meet up with the people that mattered alot to me, having supper with the people I’m closest to, watching a utterly terrible movie (seriously Gamer? wtf?) with the Brits, having dinner with them to discuss important issues like the “shopping spree” of Vietnam to the status of I-2 and talking with S till 7am as he stays over. (wow this feels so grammatically wrong but its 5.33am so fuck this shit). Oh yes forfeiting the FAME movie night with the church to have dinner with my two close army friends was quite worth it (really it is.), its not a friday night unless you are drinking margaritas during dinner and talking at the Void deck of some HDB making remarks of the education systems of Australia and Singapore (laughter and witty remarks abound).

Despite my deep dislike for the nation, I think coming back was good for me because I needed a break from Perth and all the stress that came along in school, you would think that there isn’t much stress and infact most of the stress was self generated but I believe that you need some stress to motivate you to do well, of course too much of it and you will suffer panic attacks and cry in your room when you try to study for an exam and panic because nothing is entering your brain! But then in the end most of the panic was unfounded because I got back my results today and I was very pleased with my own performance, for once I have passed everything in the term as compared to the many times that I usually only pass one or two subjects. UWA Law is slightly more achievable now because of this excellent Term 1 report. The reason I did so well this time is probably due to the fact that I only study all arts subjects and not a single science or maths subject. Anyway that will change next term as I embark on my first pseudo science subject of Geography. (Well some would argue that Geography is a science!).

This is random but I was lying on my bed trying to sleep when this crossed my mind, when I try to sleep my mind would sometimes wander away and think about things that I went through and things that I encountered in my life. Tonight my mind reminded me of something that a very close friend of mine mention to me once over the phone when I called him. “You seem more human now that I heard you crying.” So I wonder, do I seem that detached? I know that I’m quite unfazed when people tell me things that would normally shock people but really? I called him cause something had happened which caused me to cry and that was his remark to me after we talked for awhile. Not many people have seen me shed any tears before I think, so far I think only 4 people other than my mother and father have seen me cry and I do believe one of them was quite shocked at the fact that I was capable of shedding tears. Haha! So yes, am I that detached or do I portray an image of detachment to the point that some people are shocked to see me display emotions?

Sometimes I feel like I don’t matter to anyone. (Nic’s remark would be “the last time i checked, ’sometimes’ mean it’s a pretty rare occurrence.”) Dry deadpan remark aside, I really feel that way. You can say that I am overthinking and maybe I am but really sometimes when I see the way some people act around it. Either I don’t matter much at all to them or they actually don’t like it. You would think people don’t notice but I have my moments of perception and they happen to be always on when people act differently around me. I try not to let it bug me but argh, I am a weak human. So weak.

So I go back to Perth this sunday and I’m 50/50 on it. I am reminded the reasons why I dislike Singapore and want to leave but at the same time I am reminded of the excellent friendships that exist in this hellhole of a nation and then I don’t want to leave! I am indeed caught in between these two choices. I realise that I am neither satisfied in either cities, I find Perth to be quiet and sometimes quite boring especially when you don’t feel like staying in the whole day and at the same time I don’t like Singapore because its simply too damn crowded! Okay! 3 more days to enjoy whatever stuff Singapore has and whatever company that comes my way. I suppose I better make the most of it.

Seriously man, who the fuck makes a show like Gamer? I don’t like watching a movie and suddenly tits and ass suddenly appears on the screen. Once is fine. Twice is slightly irritating. BUT EVERY 10 MINS?! WTF?

I question myself.

As to what is truthfully healthy and what is not. Right and wrong, and the clarity of which, essentially, is supposed to protect us from harm. But what if this is not the case anymore? And I feel that the good cop’s gunna give me up at the end of the day? Then ‘good’ defeats its own purpose.

I spoke to someone new today and he made me realise one thing, I should (too) stop ‘becoming’, and start ‘being’.

So let’s go over me, and what we’ve known of me. Starting with the fact that I am capable of liking a guy just as much as I’d like the fairer gender. I have a boyfriend but our relationship has taught me one important lesson, amongst many others- that at this age, I should not expect more. That I should stray, and let stray… For all our sakes.

I am hurt. I am possibly more heartbroken right now than I have been in a very long time, and this is probably due to the fact that I didn’t really get the opportunity to heal my heart proper before bad luck gave me another hit yet again. And again. And again. A whole string of painful waves. I was drowning and I feel like I still am. I have been drowning for such a long time.

But nobody’s gotta see that. Cause nobody can fix it. I don’t know how. But maybe straying might be a good start, cause it keeps my mind busy, and my heart hibernates in the recovery ward.

this One's for the fellas: Smoking?

So I’ve had a good 48 hours of studying for this exam I’ve been bitching about I got some indirect advice from a twitter friend to listen to Kid Cudi’s Man on the Moon, I decided to celebrate my latest determination streak with a bogie (cigarette for those who don’t know my slang).

I can’t disclose all my information about where I smoked because my campus has housing rules & a “no smoking” policy but, it was a good time & view. I sat there staring and spotted a decent lookin fella as I heaved away at my Newport (they’re cheap – whatever). He looked, looked away, and moved on. Now his reaction could be the effect of a billion things BESIDES me having a cigarette in my hand, but it got me thinking. How do guys feel about women smoking?

Do they see this:

 or this:

 

Sorry Brit, had to do it.

 

What’s not too surprising to me is that it took me less than 30 seconds to find the picture of America’s sweetheart Miss Spears and probably a whole 5 minutes (which is a lifetime on the web) to find the first one.

The way i figure it’s one way or the other with guys.

1. They either think it’s unladylike for a woman to smoke – yet they do it.
2. They think it’s gross for her to do it for health reasons & they don’t smoke either.
3. They think it’s cool for her to hold his bogies or weed down but she can’t come into the stash because that’s his.
4. They think it’s cool to have someone to have that after-sex smoke with.
5. Or they don’t care ; do you, just make sure you get some mouthwash/gum before you lay your mouth on me & spray something so I don’t have the smelly girlfriend.

I mean, I’ve run into EVERYONE of these, down to the T – no mixes no excuses nothing.

Every guy has his prefrence – & maybe my little list covers EVERYTHING, who knows.

I’m not a smoker - I have one here and there. In a month I’ll probably smoke about 5 depending on it’s convenience. The pack I’ve got is leftovers from my cousin’s visit. You’re probably all thinking I’m putting this disclaimer so I don’t look bad – who’d give a fuck? I mean if a guy told me to not smoke at all I’d tell him to suck one. If anything I just don’t smoke around him.

Had an ex like that & he had the lil’est lil’ man ever so I guess that’s enough to say about over bearing men. BONGG! no shots … well yeah, no, that WAS DEF. a shot but I didn’t put his name out there. >=)

Comments anyone?

shape+colour + tumblr + vimeo.

Hey everyone. I don’t post about myself personally very often here, so first off a big thanks to everyone who’s reading shape+colour and to everyone who sends me their stuff, post ideas, or videos. You have no idea how much it means to me. The best part of all of this is when people share with me things I wouldn’t have found on my own.

I want to let you know about (and invite you to) some new facets to shape+colour: a Tumblr and a Vimeo. Why? Here’s why…

1. shape+colour on Tumblr.

Tumblr has been called a lot of things: microblogging, multi-media blogging, micro-media blogging, whatever. On shape+colour I try to curate my favourtie videos and artists and actually write about them. I think of it as an online gallery magazine; I want to share my thoughts about the work and the artists, and not just namelessly, wordlessly post.

Sometimes, though, I do find videos, images, or work that I think is rad but I don’t have much to say other than that. shape+colour on Tumblr is where I’ve started posting random shots, quotes, inspiration tidbits, and images that I’m into but that don’t warrant (for me) a full post on shape+colour. I also talk about what I’m up to personally. Or sometimes I just bitch and moan. I also swear more there. So, if you’re on Tumblr come tumbl with me.

2. shape+colour video on Vimeo

Vimeo is my favourite site on the net. I live for motion art (as you might’ve guessed) and so I started a shape+colour video channel on Vimeo. My hope here is to loop in more closely and share contacts/likes with other Vimeo users. I’ll be linking to all the videos that I post from Vimeo on shape+colour, but, like Tumblr, I’ll also be adding tons of videos that I like but that I don’t post here. I’m hoping this will create a quicky, sleek, easily searchable portal for all my fave vids on my fave site. So, again, if you’re on Vimeo let’s be contacts. If you’re a film-maker on Vimeo, or someone I’ve posted on before, please let me know so that I can subscribe to your updates.

nothing's real, but always possible.

Hey! My brain feels kinda numb at the moment. Hahahah. I, well all of us kancil students, were given 200 questions to do for each topic. It’s crazy. I’m not even done yet. I’m doing geography right now, and i’m up to number 135. Yesss. but then, i have history and maths to complete. This is so bleh.

I want to cut my hair. It’s so thick and hot, in a bad bad way. I don’t know when i will, but i will.

I cannot wait to write my story again! I’ve been waiting for so many months! I’m too happy. FOUR MORE DAYS TIL MY BIRTHDAY. I’m having a mixed feeling of sad and happy. Lol. I love you.

London Calling

I am back. This trip put a serious dent on my whole, “I am going to blog daily” extravaganza.

So be it. I had an awesome time, and I am now back to reality. *le sigh*

Don’t get me wrong. My reality is awesome. However, every time I am in London, I ask myself why I am not living there.

Complications, I guess. Condo, family, Ph.D, and a job I love. I haven’t given up on that idea, though. We shall see.

I know it pisses some people off, but how can I not miss London when what passes for culture in Orlando is Disney.

I’m sorry, but even as entertainment goes all the parks are okay, but not my thing. I can go ever so often, but I’d trade all the Disney in the world for more museums, theatres, etc.

London is definitely calling.

Natalia

Today, I am grateful for: Resilience.

In the Bathroom Doorway

I was in the office beside the bathroom at your sister’s.  In was nearing the time that you were going back to China.  You were brushing your teeth or something in the bathroom and I was checking my e-mail/blog.  It just hit me suddenly, “What am I doing?  I’m in here checking my e-mail while you’re in the bathroom and you’re about to leave.”  So I immediately got up to go hug you, but you were already on your way out of the bathroom and I almost ran into you as I came around the bathroom doorway.  Instead of running into you though, I was instantly in your arms.  I didn’t know if you’d known what I came for, or if it was on your mind too, but either way, we stood there in each other’s arms for several moments, not saying anything, in the bathroom doorway.